Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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