I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
