I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I know her cup size but not her name....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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