just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
