The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
