So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
