fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
