Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
