I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
