i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
