god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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