I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
