some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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