if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
