I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
