Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
