No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
