there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
