I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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