I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
