Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
