Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I need a beard to bite.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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