Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
