when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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