the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
