i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
