Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
