God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
