my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My pussy is not your playground.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
