sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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