Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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