Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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