the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
