also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
