Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
