I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
