Jerry, you need to find god
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
