im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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