Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize