I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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