Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
