Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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