I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize