i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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