My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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