Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Dear god my vagina.
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