If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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