i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
