i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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