I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
