the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
