i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Randomize
