i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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