I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The air was thick with penises
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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