I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You're a disaster
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