Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
