my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
