why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize