So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize