woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
