nut hugger
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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