New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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