I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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