I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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