you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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