Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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